Gogo Dancers.

Obviously gogo dancers (even merely half naked ladies), are there to make men drool over them and they add a sexy flavor to the party.  Maybe subconsciously it convinces guys to drink more too, making the bar even more money.  Who knows the deeper psychological effect, if there even is one, but I do know these hot ass young girls make me go home alone, hating myself for feeling like a fat old loser.  That's a joke if you didn't catch the sarcasm.  I can't truly talk shit about gogos because I do have a penis, that is still fully functional, but there are a few things that I'd like to critique.

They absolutely must not suck.  I can't begin to express how unsettling it is to see a bad gogo dancer that just looks like a wet dog flopping around.  Have you ever met a hot girl or guy, end up going home with them, and the sex is just awful and awkward?  Well I feel the same way when I see gogos that either can't dance, or are just flailing around goofy and not sexy.

There is a difference between being sexy and just being hot.  Basically any young girl who is willing to expose herself in front of a crowd and bend over, is probably going to be fairly attractive.  Although, If she can't dance, or hasn't learned the subtle art of how to tease, or take things slowly, then she just makes me feel like a pedophile for staring at her with tunnel vision.  Speaking of young, don't have all your dancers just barely 18 either.  Not everyone wants to see only kids up there.  Have some variety and throw some actual women in your crew, and while you are at it, diversify your crew's race, height, weight and anything else that will set them apart.  What is the point of trying to get everyone's attention, and having mass appeal, if all the girls are just clones of each other.

My long time friend who happens to gossip with me while she cuts my hair, told me something that made a lot of sense.  She is a very attractive woman, but like me, she is getting older.  I was belly aching to her about some of the negative sides of aging, such as my hair thinning, and she said this to me: "You know Daniel, I went through that phase too.  The phase where you are still young, but not as young as the people you are surrounded by.  I work in this salon and I see all these younger, perky girls and I know I'm not the center of attention anymore.  It bothered me for a while until I realized that even though I'm not the youngest girl here, I am by far the sexiest."

That stuck with me and now I think about that every single time I see a young gogo dancer that hasn't quite aged into what true sexiness is.  It takes time to learn how to be sexy.  Anyone can wear skimpy clothes and shake their ass, but to really be into the music and let your body sway, instead of just slump over, takes a certain amount of practice and heart, and not everyone can master the art.  I'm far from the foreman of sexy, so I can't see myself even attempting to put into words what a girl should specifically do to be sexier.  I do know what makes my pants tight and sticky though, and I know that over doing it, is not what turns me on.  If you are trying too hard, you've lost me.  It should be natural.  The slightest glance in the right manner can melt me more than an off rhythm girl slamming her boney ass into my pelvis.  Learn how to tease and seduce, not just squeezing your jelly bean butt cheeks on some dude's half chub.

Gogos should be really into the art of dance in my opinion.  Not just a crew of slutty girls that want attention.  As I said before, these are just my opinions, but I think it is important to have passion for your work.  Take a fucking dance class at a community college or something, or Zumba at the gym for Christ's sake.  You get bonus points if you take pole dancing classes, belly dancing classes, hooping classes, do yoga, are in a burlesque troop, or a samba group etc.  Shit, if you break dance on the side, just marry me now.  These are all good ways to train your body to be more creative, agile, balanced, and even spiritual.  The ones that take the shit seriously are amazingly talented people and will actually make you think and be inspired, not just eye candy to jerk off to in the parking lot.  You can tell by their scars, bruises and other war wounds if they dedicate their time to their craft, unless they are just a meth head who gets beat by their pimp.  Go ahead and tell me to fuck off.  I know I'm insensitive.

I also hate seeing dancers hammered as fuck, or on so much molly their eyes are rolled back in their head, making them sweaty and gross.  If their lower back has sweat beads dripping down because they are dancing so hard, and not merely displaying a greasy, dripping, thizzed out forehead, then that is a different story (now excuse me while I FAP that first image out of my head).  Besides the fact that being super fucked up is unattractive, it is also dangerous as hell.  Not only to your physical well being and safety, but your health can be at risk too.  No one wants to see a dancer fall off stage and break their ankle, or have a seizure and shit.

I may be nit picking here, but it also kind of bugs me when dancers are singing/yeling the lyrics to songs to the crowd.  I don't know why it bugs me, but I think it just looks tacky.  You're not a fucking hype man.  That's just my personal pet peeve... or when they stop dancing and start talking to their friends in the crowd, while still on stage and the center of attention.  I just think it's unprofessional.  Go ahead and throw up a peace sign, or blow a kiss at your buddies, just be subtle and talk to your friends about kayaking later.  You are working and being paid.  You wouldn't see a runway model stop halfway down the lane to have a conversation with someone.  It just looks bad, especially on a big stage at a big show.  Also, this should be obvious, but please fucking shower and wear deodorant.  Dude, seriously!  I wouldn't even mention it if I haven't been around some stanky people.  It isn't often, but do you think people are gonna find that shit sexy?  I know you just got off work and had to rush over to the club, but baby wipes and perfume will not override hot buttery asshole cheese.  This goes for you too men!

And for the love of God, don't bring your damn boyfriend to the show.  Do you bring your boyfriend to your day job too, so he can stare down every other dude in your office that looks at you?  Are you fucking retarded?  This shit just boggles my mind when girls do this.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but most of the appeal of a sexy dancer is that she is somewhat approachable (metaphorically).  If I see her making out with her man the second she walks off stage, or pulling him into the bathroom, I'm not as inclined to want to stare at her like the usual hornball that I am.

The dancers shouldn't be an asshole to the stage managers or performers either.  If someone in charge is politely asking you to get off the stage, or off a speaker, GET THE FUCK OFF!  They are asking you for a reason.  I have seen so many dancers flip out on someone that is just trying to maintain order on a hectic stage, and do their job.  I know you may be getting paid to dance, but you are not the authority figure here, and arguing with someone in charge, in front of a huge crowd just makes you look like a stuck up bitch.  Sometimes the stage needs to be cleared for the music acts, or the club's insurance may not cover a dancer in high heels prancing on a one foot wide, beer soaked speaker.  If I was a stage hand and some skinny girl was giving me lip in front of 2,000 people, I'd be so tempted to just pick her narrow ass up and toss her into the crowd.  Let all those horny zombies feed on her entitled flesh like piranhas, leaving just a crowd surfing skeleton with fuzzy boots on.

I'm joking again, obviously, in case you were too offended to tell, but you do need to respect the dancers and their needs.  I know it may be hard if they have an attitude problem, but let's put that aside for now.  They get a lot of shit from people and they need to have a certain hard edge to keep them protected from douche bags and drunk, aggressive, pieces of shit.  They are performers and you need to provide certain amenities for them to do well and be safe.  I know it may have sounded like I was suggesting just throwing them aside and not giving them special attention or respect, but that is far from the truth.  I do not mean to discredit the value of the dancer and all the hard work that goes into it (only the shitty ones).  Here are a few things I've noticed a gogo should have standard.  If I missed a few, feel free to let me know.

They need to have a sturdy platform or stage with plenty of room to move around, preferably out of arms reach of nasty perverted dudes.  Bouncers should always be within a few yards of them in case some shit goes down and they need to bust someone's skull open.  You also need to make sure your ladies are hydrated and get plenty of breaks.  Always bring them water in a sealed bottle and have a place for them to safely store it because rufies are real.  Have a bouncer escort them off stage to rest, preferably in a safe back room.  No one should be allowed to leave their drinks on the dancing area.  Try to have them on separate platforms from painters, or on a different structure from the band or performer, unless it is big enough to share, sturdy enough to handle her body movements, and she has enough room to move without slapping someone in the face.

You should always respect your dancers, but they should never take attention away from the music, or take priority over the music.  Maybe that is just me, but when I see promoters giving more attention to their dancers, and not the DJs, it just makes me sick.  Most of those sleazy promoters are just trying to fuck em all, and it's a damn disgrace.  If there are so many gogos that you can't even see the performer or stage, you've gone too far.  If your event was specifically made to showcase dancers, then by all means, keep the music listed as a lesser priority, but if your party is music based, keep it that way.

As much as I love seeing a half naked, young, sexy lady shaking her ass, it will never be as awesome to me as watching a skilled hula hooper, belly dancer, aerialist, fire dancer etc.  It is just way more interesting to me and can easily be just as sexy, if not more so, than a gogo at times.  You'd actually be surprised at how much more affordable they can be too, compared to some gogo dancers.  It is not always the case, but it should definitely be something you research and take into consideration.

(PS, I just watched 3 Bill Burr stand up comedy specials in a row, sorry if I'm all amped up)